I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
