Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
