I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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