I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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