Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
