Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
