sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
