see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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