dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Randomize
