At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
