I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
