I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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