Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Operation Purity has been aborted
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
