when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
