i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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