I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
