My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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