I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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