He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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