dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
