i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
too bad you live with your parents still
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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