Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
