Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We left an ass print on the piano.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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