So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
