I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
