His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
