I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
