When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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