so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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