I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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