I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
