Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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