matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Can I color on your dick again?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
