So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
