I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
These tits shall not be calmed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
