what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
just found out that she named her cat after me.
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Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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