Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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