So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
