Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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