apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
