Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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