Little spoons don't ask big questions
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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