Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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