Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
