Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
