He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
