the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
