the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
