Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
