An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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