So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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