I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
