Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
