Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
