he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
