she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
