as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.