i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it