before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
