I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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