my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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