I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
